Winter as Mainers Know It

Winter in Maine is not like winters in other parts of the country. NORTHERN New England is where I live and winter is well...special here.

A few things you should know if you live in Maine in the winter:

 -- There's at least a 30% chance that your mailbox will be wiped out during any given winter by plowed snow, or by a direct hit by a snowplow.

 -- If you live on a road big enough for lane lines, there is a 70% chance your mailbox will be wiped out by plowed snow or a direct snowplow hit.

 -- Shovels are not a rational means of snow removal.

 -- Snowblowers are for masochists.

 -- Neighbors with plows on their trucks are almost priceless (worth $260/month in my neighborhood).

 One thing to remember is: expect the unexpected.

Like tonight, for example. I motivated myself in sub-freezing temperatures (it was -11F when I left the house for work) to go to the gym. It's Friday, and my gym is not staffed on Fridays. That means you have to swipe yourself in via a machine located outside the door. Well, the card-reading machine was COMPLETELY ENCRUSTED in ICE. Completely. At first I thought I just needed to get a little MacGyver on it and tried to scrape the ice away with my card. Then a house key. Then I started pulling desperately on the locked gym door. I sent pleading glances toward the people on cross-trainers who were desperately trying to avoid making eye contact. I went back to scraping at the ice with my car keys. I made more desperate pulls at the gym door. I scraped some more. I pulled some more. Then finally, a red-faced and sweaty young lady bolted off her cross-trainer and opened the door.

 Thank you.

 Once inside, I couldn't help but glance at the weather report playing on one of the TVs. I saw that temps for tonight will run from -3F to 7F. And then below that it said "Not so cold." Yes, that's what it said. I swear.

Later, I overheard a cross-trainer boasting that he had finished all his plowing today (we had a snowstorm yesterday). Then, his client said, "Just in time for the next storm." The trainer look incredulous: "No?! Seriously?!" Guess he hadn't seen the weather report. Then, the client proceeded to talk about the tractor he has and said he's available for hire. The trainer said, "Well, I have a flatbed....Are you dickering?"

 I hate winter, but I love Maine. It's special.